This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
