Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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