I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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