sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
