The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
