I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
