I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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