she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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