she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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