Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize