our cab driver is having phone sex.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
No subtext here. People are naked.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
