My first STD was from a foam party
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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