it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize