Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
