mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
