please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Panties = found
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize