my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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