you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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