I'm sorry my penis didn't work
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
