I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
