Three words: puerto rican gang bang
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
