I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
