I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
