I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
