I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
