Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
