So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
