turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
