We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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