Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
