what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
