best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
