I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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