If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
