Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Randomize
