woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
