HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
