Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He did a backflip because drugs
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
