You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
