I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
