im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Still dying that you shit outside
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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