It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
