if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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