Plan B is the new Plan A
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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