MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
