OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
