How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
