im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
