we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
