I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
