What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
