I will die if light touches me.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
