I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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