if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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