so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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