And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize