Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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