things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
