Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
